My father died Thursday night, ending what has been a multi-year struggle with several diseases, including Parkinson’s, bladder cancer, and senior dementia, and what at times seemed like a life-long struggle with the world. He had a difficult time the week before his death, and even asked to see a chaplain (an event shocking in its own right). His last few days, however, he was at peace and without pain.
I was away in Vermont, and only arrived home his last day, about 6 hours before he passed. My mother, Vera (Albert’s ex-wife) was also there, and said her goodbye’s too. He could no longer respond, and may not have been able to see or even hear, but I talked to him anyway. His breathing shortened around 9 PM, and he stopped breathing 10:20 PM.
Some of the aides in the nursing home wanted to see him after he died, though two of them who had been closest to him couldn’t bring themselves to see him after he passed, but we all laughed and cried in the corridor outside his room for a while, talking about him.
I left just as the funeral home staff arrived to pick up his body, went home, and slept deeply. The next morning I had an appointment at the funeral home, where we went over details like cremation and coffin selection. I was amazed that cremation was only $200 (seems like a bargain), but we needed to put him in a coffin for the cremation, which was $500. Hello? I need to buy something just to burn it? Financially and environmentally it was dumb, and then I started thinking about the scene in the Big Lebowski where the characters are struck by the expense of a funeral urn. I started smiling, the funeral director started looking at me quizically, and I had to ask her if she had ever seen the Big Lebowski. She had, and we both had a laugh as my mother look at us both like we were nuts. If you’ve never seen the movie, the relevant clip is below.
People have been amazingly kind and considerate, and I have been letting different groups of people know slowly, as I get ready to talk to people anew about his passing. Overall, I personally feel a sense of relief that he is finally at peace, more so than any acute sadness, and, admittedly, a sense of freedom, as I have been living in suburbia the last two years largely so I could look after him. The ability to move to another location is the lifting of a weight for me.
