I flew from Newark to San Fran last night, and due to weather and gate restrictions, we had to wait on the tarmac for an hour and a half. Luckily, they warned us before boarding, so I ate and drank before enjoying the “One bag of pretzels for a 5 hour flight” meal plan.
They also kindly started the movie early, while we sat there. It was Definitely, Maybe. A few minutes after the movie started, I leaned across the aisle to talk to the guy wearing a suit with a noticeable bulge near the left pocket.
“Sir, are you an Air Marshall?”
“What?”
“You look like a Fed. You’ve got a bulge in your pocket and you keep scanning the plane. I need your help”
[silence on his part]
“I want you to knock me out. Taser, pistol whip, I don’t care. Just end my pain”
[Man look worried and leans away from me, still silent]
“The movie is bad. Really bad. Have you seen it? Cliched trash. Awful. Now go ahead, knock me out, for at least another hour and a half till the credits start rolling.”
He stared at me a few seconds longer, grabbed a passing stewardess, and said, “Ma’am, I need to change my seat. Aisle, window, I don’t care. Just change my seat.”
What we are paying Air Marshalls for, I don’t know. When Fools Gold began a few hours later (which, incidentally, made Definately, Maybe look like an Oscar contender) I just breathed into my empty pretzel bag until I passed out.
