My Hovercraft is Full of Eels

I’ve gotten into interesting discussions with friends who claim that I’m a barbarian for wanting to kill defenseless animals – often as they eat a hamburger. The disconnect between food and nature is strong in our society. Personally, I’ve only gone hunting once, and ate what I shot, and until today I’ve always believed that hunting was OK as long as you ate the animal (and, or course, it was not endangered, etc).

Today I’d like to add another category of animals – birds that shit on you and/or your laptop. I was working outside, enjoying a rare moment of warm, intense sun in London, doing work while actually getting a tan. And suddenly, WHAP! A  giant splat of brown & white liquid hits my wrist, laptop, and laptop sleeve case. It was truly disgusting – not the dry stuff that has hit me before, but looked like this bird just ate a bowl of worms and then a few Ex-lax.

Had I had an air rifle, I would have shot the damn thing. Sadly, I washed it off before I could take any great pictures.

The Spanish (and Ukranians, I also learned today) will tell you that when you are shit (shat? what is the past tense?) on by a bird, that you will find new money. So I’ll buy a lottery ticket today, and we’ll see what happens.

I had a problem with my online bank login tonight, so I called customer service at 10:15 pm on a Saturday night. They were there! And they answered! Ahhh, the pleasure of being in America. In just two days I go back to England, where, for example, if you want to buy something from a major mobile phone carrier from their business sales department, they close at 5 pm Monday – Friday, and aren’t open on the weekends.

The other thing that reminded me I was in NJ today was a business’s sign. I was driving through a rural area where I saw a small business selling stone for landscaping, sheds, and a sign up saying “We have tiger fencing.” Really? Is that a decorative thing, like a style of fencing, or a kind of fencing that you use to keep tigers? Please keep in mind this was only miles away from the site of the infamous Tiger Lady of NJ.

I generally think of myself as a lucky, lucky guy. So I can’t really complain when odd things befall me, but they do make me laugh, and they also make my friends say, “Tell me when you are flying out of London, so I can NOT book a flight then.”

Here’s a select personal history:

In 2005, Gate Gourmet, the catering company for BA, fired 600+ staff by literally shouting the dismissal through a megaphone to picketing strikers. In response, BA ground crew went on strike in sympathy for Gate Gourmet workers. I had boarded the plane, the gate had been pulled back, but minutes before ground crew had reversed the plane (which apparently can’t go in reverse itself without damaging the terminal), the strike began. So I sat on the plane 7 hours, eventually disembarked to the same airport, and spent 5 days in London without luggage waiting to fly home. I still wear the shoes I bought on BA’s dime, as I only had flip-flops with me.

In 2006, politicians needing a distraction from their own misdeeds claimed that a bunch of half-wits without passports or tickets were going to imminently blow up a plane, which is why you can no longer carry a water bottle onto a plane. You can of course carry contact lens solution, which means our planes are safe unless Osama bin Whatsit starts wearing contacts. Anyway, I was en route from the island of Corsica to New York City, with an 8 hour stopover in London which turned into 4 days. At least I had my luggage this time.

In 2010, a volcano (of all things) shuts down British airspace for the longest period of time in aviation history. All UK flights have been grounded since Thursday (today is Monday) and I don’t know when I’ll fly, as the damn volcano is still exploding. Comically, the Germans think the UK restrictions, which extend to their airspace, are a bunch of nonsense, and have been flying empty planes around to prove this. My guess is that some bureaucrat has realized that if he authorizes flights, and people die, he gets fired, so said bureaucrat is staying on the safe side. That said, the risk is legitimately real, as volcano ash turns to molten glass inside jet engines, and cars in my street are covered with a fine layer of ash.

I response, I’m holding a Stranded in London party this afternoon.

I really don’t know what to make of this, but I’m glad it exists. People throw sticks into the water from the upstream side of the bridge, and cross the bridge to see the sticks come out the other side (just like Winnie the Pooh did). The World Championships is Sunday, in about 10 days time.

http://www.pooh-sticks.com/

In the spirit of adventure, I responded to a forwarded email from a friend – their colleague was offering a free photo-shoot consisting of black and white headshots (and nothing more, I know what all my male friends are thinking).

I went, lights were setup, photos were taken, and until today that was all I knew, as I waited for the photographs to be developed on film. I got the first few back today, and while the more serious ones don’t suit me, there was a bit quirky, and I like it! Of course, it’s still a face only a mother could love, but it’s the only face I have . . .

Handsome Devil? Or just devil?

I’m always been appreciative of forgiving friends, and I feel this isn’t by coincidence, given my personality. So it was a great relief when Jeff was so gracious after I tried to kill his four-year old daughter, Siena.

It wasn’t purposeful – I was at their house eating a chocolate cookie when Siena walked by and I gave her a cookie. A few seconds and one shriek later Jeff was in the kitchen reading the ingredients on the cookie box, checking for nuts. Luckily the cookies didn’t contain any nuts, though the box gave one of those CYA vague warnings about not being suitable for people with nut allergies. The cookie, missing only one bite, was removed from Siena’s little hands as she gave puppy dog eyes to all around.

But I learned not to feed children cookies without checking with parents.